To KNOW
To KNOW
That old familiar pain
I have lived with
this a very long time
been on
all the meds
they can give
for it
and utterly hate
them
they one made
my brain not
function to the point
I could barely think
or make it so
I didn't want
to leave the bed
I refuse to go back
on that stuff
it did nothing
for this pain
when it hits so
why take
it
when all it did
was make my life
miserable
I want to paint
my life away
but I am not
given that option
nerve pain
that causes
massive migraines
at times
from spine up
and down
now I have
the degenerative
disk disease
up and down
my spine
which doesn't
help the situation
at all
but I love
my brain
I love life
and so I refuse
to be a guinea pig
for meds
that do nothing
for me
I took them for years
I can't stand
the side effects
compared to
the pain
its intense
but I would rather
live with this
pain right now
than those meds
in my system
I do take the
migraine med
it takes the intense
edge off
but it will wipe
my day out
when it hits
luckily so far
its only on off days
but being forced
to work
makes it worse
at times brings it on
after the fact
of activity
and I did the other day
I tried to fight
for assistance
social security disability
insurance
and ssi
and was denied
with lawyers
8 years I fought
denied all the way up
to the point
that for the issues
I have I can't
try for it again
so I was screwed
major
because I didn't work
for those 8 years
trying
for assistance
I can't go for
ssdi now
unless I work
for long time again
the catch 22
situation
part of the issue
is that
I am not
diagnosed correctly
and
doctors
don't help
I am stuck
in hell
most days I am fine
because
I refuse those
meds
but it does hit me
and the older
I get
the worse it will be
I know this
known it a long long time
I have had different
types of migraines
my entire life
but this issue
goes from spine
up to head
over right eye
it is nerve damage
from a bus that hit me
I got screwed there too
I live with this
now cause of age
arthritis has set in
back and neck
and fingers and now knees
beginning
its the type
in the major joints
neck
c7
tail bone
L5 S1
has a bulging disc
so walking is a issue
but not my choice
yet I have to walk
a ton so I do it but it
doesn't help
I do not complain about this
I just deal with it
I have to put my legs in lap
to put shoes on now
pull them up with
pants legs they can't
do it without pain
by themselves
every day
I wake up near dawn
in pain
go down stairs
sit in chair
for two hours more
to ease that pain
I meditate
to give me energy
to get through the day
without saying a word
about the chronic pain I live with
I am not alone
in this yet I refuse
the meds
cause they are horrible
and there
is nothing else
no other choices
I do what I can
with altering food
altering drink
oils therapy
heat and cold therapy
anything
massage sometimes
helps
then others makes
it worse its
hard to tell
when it triggers
good or bad
outcome
insurance
won't pay
for any alternative
type of medicines
so out of pocket
so most of the time
nada
you name it
over the years
I have tried it
I have learned
to deal with many of the
nerve type pains
and keep going
its just when it
hits the head and spine
as it does
it stops me in my tracks
It really makes little
sense but when as poor
as I am
you have little options
to make life easier
so all you can
do is deal with it
and somehow
find ways to sit more often
or rest and less
stress jobs help
but that limits ones ability
to make money
when you have limits
and they still call you
able bodied
and expect you
to be normal
I don't know how
long I can keep it up
its been years now
and it just somedays
takes everything out of
you
and battling for
what I deserve
just as tiring
I don't mean
to complain but
I have dealt with this
so long
that it
is taking its toll
at times
but I am a strong person
thank goodness
for that
and my stubborn will
to keep going
as long as I can
pushes me forward
yet doing this
alone
is extremely hard
I do not have
the cleanest home
I do not get
to do things I like to
I have come
along way
in last few years
thanks to a certain
person giving me
the energy to fight again
Its led me to paint and draw again
its led me to try to do work
of something
its boosted my mood
and kept me positive
through all of this
I haven't been able
to thank this person
in person
but they know
who they are
a precious gift
I can never repay
sometimes the tears
fall
but I get back up
and wipe them off
so don't you ever
stop making me smile
it gets me
through the day
I swear it does
for putting up with me
I give you
the best of my heart
and soul
if I could
give you anything
I would
in heart beat
I don't think
that person even truly
knows
how inspiring they
are to me
now
we all have dreams
and goals
and it may take me
a long
time to get them accomplished
but what I do
now is incredible
compared to
where I was a few years
ago
I have lost more
through the years
and I won't go into it
now
but one heart
gives me strength
to keep going
don't stop it
please
know
I care
and understand
and
love
more than
they will ever
ever know
It gives me reason
It gives me
purpose
It gives me
hope
that I can
still do anything
if I will it hard enough
I can say
I have LIVED
for all I have done
and all I want to do
cause I am not
done yet
pain or no pain
So to you
keep on
making me smile
to shoot for
that one day
that one moment
that ultimate
thing
that only comes
in sound.
To my friends
keep me going!!!
My real
angels on earth
SMILE!
THERE ARE
NO WORDS
STRONG ENOUGH
TO SAY IT
BUT
THANK YOU!
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