SECRET FIRE
SECRET FIRE
S.JENSEN ©2018
WRITING … KNOW THAT
I HAVEN’T LOOKED FOR
ANYONE ELSE.
I WAS IN LOVE
EVEN IF TO A SO CALLED
FAKE NESS OF THIS
AS YOU CALL IT
IT WASN’T FAKE
TO ME
ON THIS END OF THINGS
OH TO THE BLOODY MESS
AND YEARS BEFORE
IT THINGS DON’T CHANGE
MUCH DO THEY
SOME DAYS I THINK EMOTIONS
CAN BE SO OVER RATED
AND SILLY
YET OTHERS IT CAN
BE SO INTENSE
IT BURNS A MARK ALWAYS THERE
WHAT I LACK IN BEAUTY
ON THE OUTSIDE
I MAKE UP FOR IT WITH
MY CHARACTER
WARM, GIVING, FRIENDLY, KIND,
HONEST, LOYAL TO A FAULT, AND
CARING…
ARE AMONG THE MANY
FACETS OF MY PERSONALITY
SWEET YOU MIGHT SAY
IS LIKE MY MIDDLE NAME
BUT I KNOW I DIDN’T
MAKE IT SEEM THAT WAY
BUT IT STILL IS THE REAL ME
I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW
I THOUGHT OH HACKERS
HACKERS WANT ONE THING
OK I GIVE THEM THE SHOW
THEY WANT
CUS HELL IF I COULD FIGHT THEM
ANY OTHER WAY
I WAS POOR THEN
AND I AM POORER NOW
I HAVE THIS HIGH MORAL THING
BUT I CAN DO WHAT
I HAVE TO DO
WHEN IT CALLS FOR IT
LIKE A CHALLENGED GAME
I AM SORRY
ON THAT
BUT THEN WELL THINGS
CHANGED I SAW THE CHANGE
IN THE PERSON I WAS FALLING
FOR DAY IN AND DAY OUT
AND I LIKED IT
I WAS THRILLED TO DEATH
BY IT AND SAW IT WAS
HER AND ME
AND THAT IS HOW I THOUGHT
IT WAS
I THOUGHT HE WAS THERE
AND I WAS WEIRDLY OK BY IT
BUT STILL I CRAVED HER
I DON’T KNOW WHY
I THINK MELISSAS DAMN SPELL
OF LUST HAD A LOT TO DO WITH IT
THAT BITCH SHOULD NEVER
HAVE DONE THAT
BUT IT LED ME TO DO
THINGS I WOULD NOT EVER
HAVE DONE I SWEAR THAT MUCH
I AM VERY DIPLOMATIC AND
AND CAN SAY ANYTHING
EVEN PAST STUFF
TO MAKE IT SOUND
WHAT I THOUGHT WAS
TO BE
BUT I REALLY DID FALL
AND I FELL FAST
AND WAS CAUGHT UP IN IT
I SWEAR WHEN
I DID WHAT I DID
IT WAS FOR LOVE
STRANGE AS IT IS AND AS IT SOUNDS
AND FOOLISH OH SO DAMN
FOOLISH
I HAVE NEVER BEEN
IN A MARRIAGE PER SAY
THOUGH RINGS HAVE
BEEN ON MY FINGERS
TO REPRESENT THE BOND
NOT EVER IN THE EYES OF GOD
DID I GET THE CHANCE
SO YES I GUESS THAT
DOES MAKE ME A MAIDEN
OF SORTS
NOT A COMIC BOOK LOL
BUT REAL LIFE ITS JUST
NOT SO SIMPLE FOR ME
EVEN THOUGH I WANT IT
I WEAR A RING AND HAVE
SINCE I COMMITTED TO
THE ONE I THOUGHT
IT WAS OR IS… OR COULD HAVE BEEN
BUT NOW I DON’T KNOW
WHAT TO DO
I WON’T TAKE THE RING OFF
I NEVER WILL IT WILL REMAIN
THERE…
AS A REMINDER TO ME
IF NOTHING ELSE
TO NEVER BE SO FOOLISH AGAIN
BUT HERE I AM
WRITING SO WELL…
GUESS SOMETHING IN ME
IS JUST LIKE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE
OK…
THAT IS NOT TO SAY
I DON’T FEEL LOVE
OR WANT LOVE
OR NEED LOVE
CAUSE I DO
BUT ITS A STRANGE
IN BETWEEN FEELING
OF WHAT ARE WE
THAT IS HOW I LOOK AT IT
RIGHT NOW
CAUSE I JUST DON’T KNOW
PROMISES ARE OFTEN
BROKEN AND I HAVE TRIED
TO KEEP THEM
BUT ITS NOT EASY
WHEN LIFE FINDS WAYS
TO GET IN THE BLOODY DAMN WAY
NOT ALWAYS A GOOD WAY
EITHER
I CHERISH WHAT I HAVE
AND HAD
EVEN IF IT SEEMS SO DOOMED
SOMETIMES
ITS MOSTLY FROM
MY PERSPECTIVES
BUT ITS NOT HOW I WANT IT
I AM SO NOT A ONESIDED
BITCH I REALLY AM NOT
THIS THING MAKES IT SO HARD
ALL LOVES SEEM
SO SHORT LIVED
AND TRAGIC
FOR MANY YEARS I JUST
FEEL SO BLOODY CURSED
AS A KID I USED TO
PULL LOVE BUGS APART
NOT KNOWING IT KILLED THEM
NOT KNOWING THEY MATE FOR LIFE
AND FELT THAT MAYBE
FOR YEARS IT CURSED ME
TO NEVER BE ONE
TO BE LUCKY TO BE MARRIED
TO ANYONE
GIRL OR GUY
COMING FROM THE SOUTH
THEY EXPECTED IT TO BE A GUY
AND I CAN REMEMBER
CHANGING THAT IDEAL
AND HOW THEY REALLY DIDNT
LIKE ME MUCH FOR IT
SO I KEPT MOVING
TIL I COULD BE HAPPY
WELL I THOUGHT AT THE TIME
ANYHOW
I WOULD BE
BUT TURNED OUT
THE COMPLETE MORE OF
A HORROR THING
THAN OF LOVE ETERNAL
AFTER MY FIRST LOVE
FELL APART I WENT ON
A BINGE OF JUST USING PEOPLE
TO GET WHAT I WANTED
IT WAS WRONG
AND I KNEW IT WAS WRONG
BUT I WANTED WHAT I WANTED
AND I WENT AFTER IT
FOR ABOUT FIVE YEARS
AND THROWING AWAY
ANYTHING THAT WOULD
BE GOOD FOR ME OR COULD
HAVE LASTED
CUS I DIDN’T WANT TO BE
HURT LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN
KIDS DO STUPID THINGS
AND MAN I WAS YOUNG AND STUPID
AND THE COST I PAID
WAS HIGH
LOST EVERYTHING
I WENT FROM ONE TO ONE AFTER
THAT LOOKING AND SEARCHING
FOR THAT LASTING LOVE
THAT ON OF TOGETHERNESS
IN ALL THE WRONG
PLACES
HELL I DID THAT A LONG TIME
AND CAUSED SO MANY
TROUBLES
AND I DIDN’T REALLY CARE
I COULD LOVE AND DID LOVE
BUT IN THE END I JUST
LET MY AQUARIAN SELF
SEPARATE MY EMOTIONS
FROM EVERYTHING
AND LET CARING GO OUT
THE WINDOW
WHEN I REBELLED WELL
I REBELLED
I CAN LOVE DEEPLY
INTENSELY
AND HONESTLY
AND MASSIVELY PASSIONATE
AND ITS NOT LIKE
IT USED TO BE
I LOVE THE WINE AND DINE
I LOVE THE THRILL OF THE CHASE
I SO LOVE IT
THE DATING JOYS
OF BEING WAITED ON HAND
AND FOOT AS YOUNG ADULT
GOD I LOVED IT
AND MY LOOKS BACK THEN
ALLOWED SO MANY
TO AGREE AND GIVE
WITH OUT QUESTIONING
AND I WAS SO COLD
WHEN IT WAS OVER
I WOULD BE MEAN
TO SOME IF THEY ERKED ME
SO BAD
GOD I CAN BE HEARTLESS
ON THE OUTSIDE
AT LEAST
BUT ON THE INSIDE
IT TORE ME UP
I WOULD WRITE IT ALL
DOWN AND EMOTIONS
AND FEELINGS SPREAD
TO THE PAGES
LIKE WILDFIRE
OVER AND OVER
REFLECTING BACK
SOMETHINGS AND SOME PEOPLE
I TRULY DO REGRET
CAUSE SOME I REALLY LOVED
AND LOST
AND SO THAT IS WHY
I WENT NUTS
WHEN I REALIZED
I AM SORRY
THE EMOTIONS JUST
FLOWED OUT
AND OUT
AND GOD I NEVER MEANT
TO HURT
I WANTED SO BAD
TO BE THERE
AND BE WITH
SO BAD I SWEAR
BUT HAVE NO MEANS
TO DO SO
SUCKS
SOME DAYS I FEEL LIKE
I WANT TO DIE
AND OTHERS NO I JUST CRY
AND OTHERS I AM FINE
AND FEEL ITS ALL PAST
LET IT GO
MAYBE FOREVER
BUT I WANT TO BE
TO THAT ONE SPECIAL SOMEONE
LONG TERM
THAT LASTING FOREVER LOVE
FRIENDSHIP
BLEND
BUT WILL I EVER TRULY
HAVE IT I DOUBT IT
REALITY FOR ME
IS HARD TO SWALLOW
THE FACT
THAT I AM A WIDOW
OF SORTS
I WORRY ON IT
WILL I EVER TRULY
KNOW LOVE AGAIN
THE RIGHT WAY
I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT
HOW I WANT IT
AND HOW I DESIRE IT
BUT SOME DAYS
I FEEL ITS ALL I HAVE
IS THE PAST
AND THAT I WILL BE
A BLOODY MAIDEN FOREVER
THAT STAR CROSSED THING
SO MANY TIMES
ITS NOT FUNNY
SO I LET IT ALL GO
AND SAID I WOULD NEVER
FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
OH AM I A FOOL
LOL
CUS I HAVE
AND THIS ONE
WELL ITS GOT ME
UNDONE
TRULY UNDONE
I HAVE COME TO BELIEVE
THAT SOME THINGS ARE JUST
FACTS
MAYBE ITS THAT SHADOWY
FIGURE IN THE HOUSE
POINTING ITS FINGER AT ME
SAYING YOU HAVE BEATEN
ME NOW CONGRATS
BUT I CURSE YOU
NEVER TO HAVE LOVE
I SAID YOU CAN NEVER
HAVE MY SOUL
YOU MAY HAVE MY BODY
ONE DAY BUT YOU
WILL NEVER HAVE ME
I NEVER REALLY
PAID ATTENTION
TIL ALL MY LOVERS
FELL APART
OVER AND OVER
AND FAMILY MEMBERS DIED
AND HATED ME
OR LEFT
AND JUST DON’T SEEM
TO LOVE ME THE WAY THEY SHOULD
AND FRIENDSHIP IS ALWAYS
A DISTANT THING
TO THE ONES
I LOVE THE MOST
THOSE I CAN TAKE OR LEAVE
WILL BE AROUND
BUT NOT THE DEEP
REALLY INTENSELY
GOOD FOR ME KIND
I REMEMBER THAT DAY
THE THREE ANGELS
CAME TO ME
AND HOW THEY SAID
I WAS CHOSEN
TO FIGHT WHAT NO
ONE COULD SEE
WHAT NO ONE BELIEVES
IN ANYMORE
AN I WAS TO TAKE
UP THE FIREY SWORD
OF MICHAEL
THAT ONE DAY I WOULD
NEED ALL I COULD MUSTER
TO FIGHT
A BATTLE
THAT WAS COMING
I DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT EITHER
THEY SAID THAT I WOULD HAVE LOVE
BUT I COULDN'T KEEP IT
AND THAT
IS ALL THEY COULD DO
AND THEY WOULD MAKE SURE
THAT LUCK OF WHAT
WAS NEEDED
WOULD FALL INTO PLACE
WHEN I NEEDED IT
I NEVER PAID ATTENTION REALLY
BUT SOON AFTER
MY WHOLE WORLD
WAS TURNED UPSIDE DOWN
AND I HAD TO LEAVE
THE ONLY HOME
I LOVED
OR HAD
I WALKED AWAY
THAT DAY KNOWING
THAT FIEND WOULD
KEEP POPPING UP
IN MY LIFE
TO TAKE AWAY
AND I HATED IT
I STILL HATE IT
AND I HAVE DONE ALL
I CAN TO PROTECT
MYSELF
FROM IT YEAH
TRUTHS HERE
I AM NOT LYING
BUT I STILL FEEL MY HEART WANTS
TO BE FREE TO LOVE
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
TO LIFT THIS BLOODY
CURSE FROM ME
I SO STILL MADLY
FALL IN LOVE
AN MADLY CRAVE
AND YET I FEEL
SO DENIED.
I AM ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR WAYS TO CHANGE
THIS TO HAVE
BELOVED ONES
NEAR ME
AND FRIENDSHIPS
CLOSE TO ME
THAT ARE REAL AND GOOD FOR ME
WHEN I CAN
FOR THOSE
I KNOW ARE WHAT
LAST
SO I ALWAYS TURN
LOVERS INTO FRIENDSHIPS
SO I CAN HAVE THEM LAST
IN MY LIFE
ITS THE ONLY WAY
I CAN LOVE AND HAVE LOVE
WITHOUT
THE CURSE KICKING IN
AND DESTROYING IT
OH LOVE I DON'T PUT ON AIRS
...
OH GO AWAY
NO DON'T GO AWAY
I DON'T WISH TO BE ALONE
ANY MORE
I AM SO BLOODY TIRED OF IT
I AM TELLING FREAKING
TRUTHS
LISTEN TO ME
AND IT GETS BETTER
THIS IS LEADING UP TO IT
BUT I HAVE TO TELL
TRUTHS
ITS A REQUIREMENT OF MINE
YOU WONT GET
RID OF ME THAT EASILY
AS SHE GRINS
AS I GRIN
THE SUDDEN CHALLENGES
OF LIFE
AND LOVE
AND LIGHT WAYS
TO FIGHT BY ANY MEANS
NECESSARY
TO GET THE WAY
IT HAS TO BE DONE
DONE
I AM NOT A SENSELESS FOOL
IF I AM A FOOL
AT ALL
DON'T THINK I REALLY AM
I AM HERE
YOU ARE HERE
AND BECAUSE OF YOU
I AM STILL ALIVE
BECAUSE OF THE LOVE
I HAVE HAD
SO STRONGLY
ITS WHAT KEPT ME HERE
WHEN THEY ALL CAME
TO ATTACK ME
I SURVIVED
BECAUSE OF LOVE
AND I HOLD TO THAT
LIKE GLUE
NONE OF WHAT I SAY
IS FALSE
I NO LONGER
SUFFER UNDER
THAT CURSE
BUT I AM ALONE
AND
FRIENDSHIP LOVE
NEVER FAILS
IT SO BLOSSOMS
AND SOARS
MY HEART MORE
LIKE SEX CAN DRIVE ONE
TO THE DEPTHS
OF PASSIONATE LOVE
HARD AND RAW
OR GENTLE AND SOFT
OF LOVERS
CONNECTION
AND SOCIAL TIES
THEY ARE MY ONLY
GRACE
TO BE HAPPY
IN LIFE
THIS IS THE FACTS...
AND THIS IS NOW
THE BASE OF WHAT
I AM AND WHAT I DO
TO WHY I FEEL SO STRONGLY
GOD SAID HE COULDN'T HELP ME
OUT OF IT
I HAD TO GO THROUGH IT
AND BOY DID I
YOU CAN'T TELL ME
THAT DOESN'T CHANGE SOMEONE
CUS IT SO DOES
NONE OK NONE
ITS NOT FOR ME TO TELL
YOU TO BELIEVE ME
OR NOT
ITS IS TRUTH
AND THAT IS ALL THERE IS
I STILL LOVE
DEEP
AND TRUE
AND HAVE LOVE
JUST NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
I MAKE DO
I HAVE TO
I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THAT
BUT HERE I LIVE AS ME
...
I DECIDE TO GO WALKING
DOWN TOWN TO SEE FRIENDS
AND CHECK ON ART
I HAVE IN THE FRAMESHOP
WALKING DOWN PASSING
A LADY NOT LOOKING AT HER
JUST SEEING SHE HAS
ICED COFFEE FROM THE SHOP
NEXT TO THE FRAMESHOP
I GO YUM I GET SOME
OF THAT SOON
AND WALK IN THE FRAMESHOP
ITS A HOT LATE SUMMERS DAY
MOST ARE BUSY CHATTING
WITH OTHERS
OR WORKING ON LAPTOPS
AS I PASS THEM BY
I PAY FOR THE ART
AND WALK BACK OUT THE SHOP
GOING STRAIGHT
TO THE COFFEE SHOP
I SEE THE LADY IS GONE
AND SIGH. I FIGURE SHE
WENT ON HER WAY
HER BACK WAS TO ME ANYHOW
I GO INSIDE AND ORDER
THE ICED COFFEE
AND I WALK TO THE COUNTER
I AM LOOKING AT
THE NEWSPAPER
WAITING FOR THE COFFEE
TO BE MADE
A LINE FORMS
BEHIND ME I FEEL SOMEONE ELSE
BUT THEY GET
CLOSER INTO MY SPACE
THAN NORMAL
I LOOK UP AND SAY HI AS
THEY SAY SO YOU ARE
GETTING A COFFEE
ITS READY
I GO THANKS
AS I TURN TO GET IT
I SAY WITH A BIG GRIN
WHEN I SEE WHO IT IS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
SHE SAYS WELL
TO SURPRISE YOU
I SAID WELL YOU DONE THAT
ONE FOR SURE
HELLO
SHE SAYS GO TO THE
BACK CORNER
I WANT TO TALK
I AM LIKE SURE
JUST A SECOND
AND I GET MY COFFEE
I SEE IN HER HAND
THE ICED COFFEE
AND AS WE WALK TO THE
BACK I REALIZED OH
THAT WAS THE LADY
I PASSED BY
IT WAS HER
OH I AM SO OBLIVIOUS
WHEN I HAVE A GOAL
I AM SORRY
I DIDNT REALIZE IT WAS YOU
SHE SMILES
AND SAYS ITS OK
I GET THAT WAY TOO
I AM LIKE WOW
SHE IS HERE
SMILING AT ME
AND WE SIT
SHE BEGINS TO CHAT
I BEGIN TO LISTEN
MY MIND WONDERS AS IT DOES
INTO A VOYAGE AND FOREIGN COASTLINES
AND VIEW OF US HOLDING
HANDS WATCHING
THE SUNSET
OVER THE HORIZON.
SHE SAYS DO YOU EVEN KNOW
I SAID KNOW WHAT
SHE SAYS ARE YOU EVEN
LISTENING TO ME
I SAID YES
AND RATTLED OFF THE LAST
THING SHE SAID AND SAY YES SEE
I AM LISTENING....
NEVER FINISHED....
THE END OF A IMAGINARY STORY
THAT NOW HAS NO ENDING
SORT OF THE WAY I FEEL
I LEAVE IT HERE
NOT BAD AS IT IS
SOMETIMES THINGS JUST
CLIFF HANG INTO OBLIVION
